Out of place.

This entry is going to sound extremely contradicting since my last one was about me feeling like I haven't changed at all. Well this entry is going to be about how much I have changed. Confusing, but I don't really know how to organize my thoughts anymore. I just really need somewhere to write down everything I'm feeling. If I don't, I'd explode.

I've been feeling irregular and misplaced. This is mostly due to the fact that I am unable to act like I normally do. My mind hasn't been myself lately and it's because I feel anxious and sad about a few little things.

I hate the fact that there are so many people out there who are suffering 20 x, no, 100 x more than I am, but still, here I am moping around like a slab of a cheese. I keep yelling at myself internally, "What the hell is wrong with you!!!! Stop being so emotional!" It's like when you start crying and a whole horde of people come up to you and repeat the same phrase over and over again: "Stop crying, everything will be alright...Stop crying." But you can't. First off, it's biological. You need to let the wheezing subside on its own. Second, if things were alright, you wouldn't be crying in the first place. So NO, everything is not alright. Even though you know that you will feel alright the next day and you'll stop crying, at the moment, you can't help but let those tears stream out.

And I really hate myself for being unable to stop these feelings. For allowing this sadness to take over me. Compared to a huge majority of this world's population, I should be happy. Am I allowed to be sad? I feel like I already have everything. Good friends, a great family, and satisfying grades in college.

While yes, there are rich people out there who have everything in this world and still feel miserable, that's not my situation.

Even when I hang out with friends, I can't seem to have fun. And I always seem so serious about everything. It's like I can't even take a joke anymore.

I wonder, for how long have I actually felt this way?
Probably for a long time.
A friend of mine pointed out that my laugh sounded fake.
And it's true, sometimes I do laugh even though I really didn't think the situation was funny. I guess I just suck at covering myself up.
I've been read like a book and I didn't even know it.
It was an embarrassing revelation to be found out like that, in the middle of a busy street.

So I decided to become more true and honest to myself.
I laughed less.
And I stopped smiling at everything.
I wanted to just be myself.
People noticed this change in me and of course they were not very accepting of it.
And it was like no one wanted to face me. No one wanted to talk to me about why I was acting this way. Even when I tried to reach out, no one really wanted to know. They all turned a blind eye.
People didn't like me when I stopped being funny and happy.
I felt dejected and not myself. But I couldn't blame other people for how they felt towards me either. I mean, I'd be pretty pissed off too if one of my friends started acting all gloomy and shit. But what really got me was the fact that no one really cared to talk to me about it. No one tried to break down my wall. All except for like two people.

But yea...I don't know I just felt like writing something.

An act of kindness.

My family was blessed with an act of kindness this morning. As we peered out the windows of our house, we saw our neighbor had bought a new snow plowing machine. Minutes later, he came over to our front lawn and started to plow our driveway and our porch - probably due to the fact that he saw me and mom last night struggling to shovel our driveway. I was so touched that he would do that for us. Me and my parents laughed because we couldn't believe he was so kind. Talk about Christmas spirit! He didn't even tell us that he was doing this, not allowing us to thank him. Of course, we definitely will.

Yuki

It snowed heavily in New York today and it's still snowing.
I love the snow.
Probably because their appearance calms me so.
But why?
Maybe it's because they symbolize some sort of change.
For awhile, I've been feeling sick in the head. That maybe, I haven't changed a bit. And what scares me is that this anxiety will never be suppressed.
That's why I tend to talk about traveling a lot. Seeing new things.

What's ironic: sometimes I fear change.
I don't understand why I keep contradicting myself in EVERYTHING.

Was I born with two souls?
Maybe I was supposed to have a twin, but somehow I ate his soul and now these souls; his and mine, fight daily for space.

I'm jealous of people who are able to make steadfast decisions without wavering. To me, that is the definition of being strong. In fact, this is probably where all my anxiety comes from. The inability to walk ahead without hesitation. Now that I've figured it out, where do I begin the healing process? I don't know.

But what I do know is that as long as I am still alive, I can change.

Like a bear.

It's time I stop looking up to people and start changing myself.
I want to become stronger and be able to walk through life with my head held up high.
To grow retractable claws that I can use to break through my suffocating fate.
Sharp teeth that can tear through anything with no regret. Be ambitious.
Stronger is what I am going to become.

Don't ask for strength and don't wait for it to arrive.
Become your strength.



...I'll beat you Mr. Anxiety, if that's the last thing I do.

Chris Crocker is awesome.

Remember that guy who made the "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" video over youtube and became famous for something humiliating? I don't care what people say about him, I think he is great. I read up on all these comments bashing his videos about him being a homo and stuff and I get sick in the stomach. It's not because I'm a supporter of gay/transsexual rights, but because it's enraging to see humans bashing another human being for saying really mindful things. Things that are smarter than what the general public says. YES, SMARTER. In his most recent video titled 'Emotional Independence', he says some mind opening things that I really want to share here:

"Stop depending upon your friends for happiness because it will push them away. Even if they want to help you. When you depend on your friends too much for your happiness it makes them sad. When you are constantly leaning your head on their shoulder, what are they going to do? Lean on your head? ...Use your head and make yourself happy because you're you and they're them. Friends can make you happy but in the end of the day they can't make you. Be your own best friend."

I really needed to hear advice like this because it has made me realize that I have been depending on my friends for happiness. I remember a few weeks ago I made this whole entry about how I was scared that I may be pushing my friends away without me knowing why or how. This may have been the answer I was looking for. I've always been very sensitive about friends fading out of my life or getting angry at me whether or not it really was my fault. This may explain all the anxiety and shakiness I've been feeling - and why I've always been unable to stand in front of a large audience and speak. The confidence just isn't there. It's like you've got your backed turned towards the mirror. You can't see your face. But you can't see your back either. I feel like I don't understand myself enough to be able to be confident and love myself. But I'm working on it - working hard. In these past two weeks I went through four major presentations. 3/4 were thankfully successful. The one that went horribly wrong was my Chinese presentation. And when I say horribly wrong, I mean horrible.

So I was called up to the front feeling that "I'm ready" adrenaline - but instead I really wasn't ready. The last few students pulled up a desk and sat in front the class to present and so I followed their precedent - BAD IDEA. I should've stood! You could've guessed what happened next. Everyone was at eye level with me so I FREAKED. I felt the stares and even though I knew no one really cared about what I said, I couldn't control myself. Everything became biologically imbalanced inside me. My face turned red, my body felt shaky, and worse yet - I was literally choking on my words in Chinese! I was already bad at mandarin pronunciation and now to add me choking on them made everything come out like garbled gibberish. So then I stopped myself, turned to my right, stared at my professor and said, "I'm sorry, I'm just really nervous." I turned back to my index card of Chinese notes, and I just froze. I thought distraction was going to help me, but it just made me froze. Thankfully, my professor was really kind and she knew what to do. Right away, she started interviewing me and asking me questions about my partner. She'd ask things like, "How many members of her family does she live with?" And I'd answer with single worded mandarin. Gosh, it was so embarrassing that I just wanted to run out screaming and then transfer schools afterward. But surprisingly, I went back to my seat completely nonchalant and chilled. Like, W.T.F.? I kept thinking to myself, 'I've gone crazy. And I can't feel anything anymore.' It was so weird. I didn't feel humiliated in the sense that I wanted to crawl into a hole but just, I knew that whole thing didn't have to happen if I could've just stood the fuck up instead of being all cool beans and decided to sit down on the damn chair of doom. This was the next lesson I learned from Chris' video: be your own best friend and have your own opinions, make your own decisions. I mean, this isn't the first time I've been opened up to advice like this, but this experience really kicked me in the ass hole and now I truly value my own opinions.

The lessons we go through in life can be emotionally draining but I've realized they are always worthwhile in the end. I wish what had happened in that Chinese classroom never happened, but it did happen and I am okay with it. I believe we all need some good emotional turmoil and ass kicking sometimes.

Shitty, shitty, week, what's new?

If you are feeling down, you should only think one thing. Life is less boring when it is stressful and challenging. LOVE LIFE AS IT IS. <3

Mew Concert

One word describes last night's concert: AMAZING.

Since I'm swamped with schoolwork right now, I'll write more about them later - if I feel like it. For now, here's the setlist from last night:

Circuitry of the wolf
Chinaberry Tree
Special
Zookeeper's Boy
Introducing New Palace Players
Am I Wry? No
156
Repeater Beater
New Terrain / Nervous (Jonas, solo piano)
She Came Home for Christmas (Jonas on piano and Silas on drum)
Reprise
Silas the Magic Car
Hawaii
Sometimes Life Isn't Easy
Snow Brigade
Apocalypso
Saviors of Jazz Ballet

*ENCORE*

Beach
Louise Louisa